What Now, Miss Adler?
by theyhadadate
Summary: A collection of texts between the woman and the consulting detective. Absolute ridiculousness spanning from the beginning of ASiP and the beginning of ASiB, making this a pointless funny AU.


_**HEY YOU GUISE I'M ALIVE! **_

_**Oh god, A Game of Shadows broke my heart, I sobbed. Anyways. What these are our just absolutely ridiculous roleplaying texts between me and one of my friends, and I think maybe you guys might enjoy them. I'll update this whenever I feel like it. xD **_

_**I'm also going to start up with those iPod shuffle things for a few other genres, just so I can write drabbles. Don't worry, I'm still writing everything else. **_

_**Italics is Irene (me) and bold is Sherlock (my friend).**_

_**Enjoy!**_

_**Disclaimer: Nope, nope, nope, NOT. **_

**_-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-_**

_Mr. Holmes, I believe I require your assistance. _

**Can't it wait, Irene? I'm extremely busy at the moment.**

_You say that whenever I ask for your assistance, Sherlock. Would it get your attention if I said it had to do with that string of 'serial suicides' you've been looking at?_

… **Perhaps.**

_I knew it would. Besides, you can't resist me._

**Oh, I very easily can resist YOU. A good case, on the other hand, not so much. **

_Oh you can't, you just refuse to admit it. But no matter._

**Where?**

_Brixton Street, Sherlock. That woman. By any chance, did you check her right skirt pocket?_

**No, the lack of suitcase caught my interest just a bit more.**

_Fool. You should've. This little piece of evidence is just… fascinating. _

**I repeat the question: Where?**

_Oh, these flats are really fantastic, aren't they? Maybe I should sneak inside this one, hide from the cold. And look! The number is 221b…_

**How did you get into my flat? Did John let you in?**

_Tell your flat mate to stop leaving his window unlocked._

**I'm not sure who I'm going to kill. ETA: 5 minutes.**

_I'd rather not smirk at you through a wall of glass, darling. Quickly now, my employer hasn't the slightest idea I'm here._

**You're a fool for even associating with that man.**

_Call me a fool if you wish, but it gets money and puts food on my table._

**It could very easily land you in a morgue all too soon. 2 mins.**

_And what? You'd be the one using the riding crop on my lifeless corpse to figure out exactly HOW he killed me? Oh darling, I didn't realize you cared. _

**Oh, ha ha. Very funny, Irene. Also, don't touch my skull. **

_I'm an actress, not a comedian. And I don't plan on it. I'm surprised something isn't crawling around here with seven eyes. _

**You obviously haven't opened the microwave yet. **

_I just did. Good god, Sherlock, how has poor Mrs. Hudson not kicked you out yet?_

**She owes me one.**

_Oh lord. Also, did you know that there's a human head in your fridge?_

**Of course I did. I'm the one who put it there. It's an experiment.**

_Donovan's convinced one day you'll be the murderer, and I'm starting to wonder._

_Also. You realize that there's a dead lizard under your sofa?_

**Now that, I did not know.**

_I'm concerned about you sometimes, Sherlock. Why can't you just listen to me once in a while?_

**You're talking like I listen to ANYONE.**

_But still, Sherlock. You know me. And you know that I of all people wouldn't lie to you. _

_That much, at least._

**Ha. Again, funny, Irene.**

_I'm not trying to be. Hurry up._

**Turn around.**

_You're looking good._

**I know.**

_Aren't we smug? Oh, hang on. You're Sherlock Holmes, of course you are._

**Now we're catching on.**

_Oh, yes. Now. About that evidence I found._

**Yes, do tell. **

_It was in her pocket, darling. You could've skipped the deducing and found her itinerary. Plus, it had a sweet little scribbled note. Most likely written on the way to her death, by the shaky writing._

**What did it say. **

_Just simply that it was the cabbie who told her everything. _

**Well bloody hell, that could have made everything easier. **

_No shiz, Sherlock. _

**Rude.**

_Always. Get used to it._

**Never.**

_You idiot._

…

_Awh. Did I hurt poor Sherlock's feelings? Do you even have any?_

**I've been reliably informed that I do not.**

_I think you do._

**Oh really? And what makes you say that?**

_Us women, we can tell._

**If you say so.**

_Of course I say so. _

**You're so convinced that you're right.**

_Because I am, my darling Mr. Holmes._

**Feel free to keep believing that. **

_I believe it because it's true._

**No. It's not.**

_So, if I, oh… strapped a bomb to your flat mate you wouldn't feel a thing? _

_Because he would._

**Please. Don't make empty threats.**

_Oh dearest. They are far from empty. I'm privy to plans that shouldn't be seen. _

… **What are you talking about?**

_Oh, you'll find out soon, sadly. _

**Irene. TELL ME. **

_He's got a plan worked out, my darling Sherlock._

**I'd deduced that much. Now tell me what it is.**

_Five pips, Sherlock. Five cases and you have just a short little time to solve it. And if not… Bang! _

**Can you tell me anything?**

_I just did._

**Obviously. Anything else?**

_Moriarty._

**Moriarty…**

_There you go. You wanted more._

**You're of no help. **

_He fancies himself a consulting criminal. Genius he is. Maybe even as good as you._

_But I think you're better._

_-**this is a text break-**_

_Hello, darling. Did you like the wine I left you?_

**Do you think I actually opened it?**

_Smart man, you've learned._

**Of course I have. You've ruined good wine with your knockout drugs before. I would never put it past you to do it again.**

_Oh, but you're so adorable when you're asleep, Sherlock darling. And I needed to make sure you wouldn't follow me, anyway. _

**Yes, well, don't get used to the sight. There are other means of doing so.**

_Pfft. It's more fun that way, Sherlock._

**For you.**

_For several people._

**Like… ?**

_Me. Him. Some of the other girls here at the theater._

… **Do you really think it wise to flaunt your handiwork with the bubbleheaded women at the theater?**

_Oh, like they remember after an hour of dance rehearsals. _

**If you say so, dear…**

_Oh, so we're using pet names now, sweetie?_

**No, not really.**

_Oh, but you called me a dear. Typically it's 'woman' or 'Irene' or 'Miss Adler.'_

**Slip of the tongue. Meaningless.**

_I highly doubt that, Sherlock. YOU don't make slips of the tongue._

**Autocorrect.**

_You would've caught it. Same way you said you would've known if Jennifer Wilson's phone had dropped out of her suitcase while it was in your possession. _

**I'm a bit distracted at the moment, Ms. Adler.**

_Even when distracted you notice things. That sociopathic mind of yours._

**Terribly sorry not to meet your expectations.**

_I have no expectations when it comes to you, Mr. Holmes. Since you tend to blow them away._

**Thank you.**

_Oh, drat. I gave you a compliment and it's going to go to your head._

**Yes, as it always does.**

_Maybe I should slap it out of you. _

_Your bed is very comfy, did you know?_

**Get out.**

_Make me. _

_*IA _

_Damn this autocorrecting phone._

**I will. Also, it's fairly entertaining on this end. **

_Oh, pfft. You think giving me the evil eye is going to get me to move? I'm going to stay right here._

**I'd really rather not force you, Irene. **

_How would you force me then, Mr. Holmes?_

**Take a wild guess.**

_Oh, a gun pointed at my head? I get that whenever I consult my employer. Forceful he is._

**Please, I'm not that rash.**

_Really then?_

**Yes, really.**

_Rude. I'll plop myself on the couch then, if you don't want me in your room. Mind lending me a coat? It's cold._

**That's better. Right side of the closet.**

_Pfft. I don't think it was much of a problem. _

_Also. Your bed will smell like perfume tonight. _

**Trust me, it is. **

**Well, I'm just chuffed about that. **

_Is not, dearest. _

_Look, it's snowing. Isn't it beautiful?_

**Dearest? Please. Spare me. **

**You know, I've never liked snow. It just makes it hard to run. Plus it's too cold.**

_I've been using pet names on you the last hour. Not stopping now. _

_I think it's beautiful. Everything's white and pure and innocent. Unlike us._

**I doubt you ever were innocent.**

_And I you, Sherlock._

_^_^ Kisses, darling Sherlock._

**Stop the pet names or get out of my flat. John'll be home soon and I'd rather not explain you to him.**

_Fine. You're no fun, did you know? Absolutely no fun. I'm not sure what you mean by explaining me to him. I can easily introduce myself as the one woman who can outsmart you._

**Which is exactly why I would have to explain you myself.**

_Ah, the me being cleverer than you part._

**We both know that's not quite true. **

_But it's partially true._

**In some ways, perhaps.**

_Perhaps? Pfft._

**I'm going to stop texting you.**

_Sherlock! Don't be immature about it._

**Practice what you preach, Miss Adler. **

_OI. Fine. I'll stop going on about me being smarter. Happy?_

**Content. I'd be happy if you were gone.**

_I won't leave._

**And why is that?**

_Because I don't wish to._

**I don't really care.**

_I'm not going._

**You really should.**

_Give me a good reason._

**Because John will be home in three… two… Ah, there he is. **

_I'm still not moving._

**I would. He's not usually that shade of green. **

_I'll be back later, then. You can't get rid of me that easily._

**Why do you always insist on breaking and entering?**

_Because I find it amusing._

_**-this is a text break-**  
><em>

_I heard you solved the case._

**Of course I did. After I discovered the tattoos on their heels, it was simple. **

_I figured you would catch that. Pretty design. _

_Though I'm thankful HE doesn't make us do something like that. I fairly like my clean skin._

**All the things he could make you do, and you're glad he doesn't make you get a tattoo?**

_Oh, I'm terrified of what he could do. I'm concerned on an hourly basis that he's poisoned my drink or my food because I talk so often of him to you, Sherlock._

**You were foolish to start working for him, Irene.**

_I had no other choice. You wouldn't understand. _

**Then help me understand.**

_He threatened to harm one I care for most dearly. Everyone has a weak spot. He found mine._

**Why did he, though? Why does he desire your services so badly?**

_Because. _

_Again, you wouldn't understand._

**You'd be shocked at just how much I CAN understand, Ms. Adler.**

_It was because of two reasons, primarily. _

**And those would be?**

_One: I've outsmarted you before._

_**-this is another text break-**  
><em>

_Hello._

**Hello, Irene. How are you going to harass me today?**

_I prefer to think of these as friendly conversations between two great minds._

**Whatever helps you sleep at night. **

_I have something else for that._

**Do I want to know?**

_I don't know. Do you?_

**I don't think so.**

_I thought so. You wouldn't care for the sentimentality, darling._

**When do I ever?**

_Exactly why I feel you wouldn't appreciate the answer._

**I'm still waiting for you to start asking me for something. I'm surprised it hasn't come yet.**

_I just want a nice conversation. Do I really need something from you to start a conversation?_

**Pardon me if I don't QUITE believe you.**

_Mm. I simply come bearing a warning, my dear._

_**-this is another bloody break- **  
><em>

**Irene, as painful as it is for me to say it, I find myself in need of your assistance.**

_Oh? Would you mind repeating that query?_

**Oh stuff it, you know what it said. I need your help.**

_Killjoy. What is it then, Sherlock?_

**5 pips. 5 hostages. There was the woman in a car park, the man, the old woman, and the kid. Who is the fifth?**

_Sherlock… _

_Please don't._

**Why can't you just TELL ME?**

_I'll see you at the pool, my dear. _

**Why must you always be so cryptic? Why can't you help me this once? God knows I've helped you enough, whether I liked it or not.**

_It's him, Sherlock. It's him._

**That means nothing. **

… _Milk._

**Oh…. Oh.**

_I'm so sorry. I had to report back to him, you must understand that. _

**How could you do something like this.**

_Because I'm protecting others, Sherlock. _

_He's threatened to kill them- all of them. _

_But more importantly- you._

**But what about him?**

_The pool, Sherlock. Go to the pool. _

_I know you don't but trust me for this._

**Any small chance you ever had of me trusting you has gone up in flames.**

_I know it has. But if you want to see him alive, you have to. Go to the pool. Bring your gun. And be prepared. He has snipers guarding the place should you outsmart him. Bring the flash drive. _

_I've already tipped Mycroft off._

**Fine. If it's my only chance of saving him. Don't worry, Ms. Adler, you know that I shan't tip him off. **

_I could've lied to you. Just remember that._

_He said he'd be surrounding the place after you go in. _

**I suppose I should thank you. I'll save that for after I don't die. **

_I'll see you there. Don't say a word of me telling. Those snipers will shoot at the slightest twitch. _

**I already said that I won't. I'll be seeing you, then. **

_Quickly. They're just arriving._

_**-you know what this is-**  
><em>

_I do fancy that shirt on you._

**Many do. **

_I am so sorry, Sherlock. I wish I could help more, but I have to just… stand here and watch. He's terrible._

**I have a feeling this is going to go bad, Irene. You need to get out. **

_I can't leave Sherlock. You're not the only one with a sniper trained on you. _

**Ah.**

_Yes. Well…._

**You realize what I'm going to have to do, don't you?**

_I know. I know. _

_Should one of us… Well… _

_It was a pleasure, Mr. Sherlock Holmes. _

**For me as well, Madam Irene Adler. I hope I should have it in the future. **

_Good luck._

_**-OHMYGODANOTHER-**  
><em>

**What are your injuries like?**

_Oh, concussion. Two fractured ribs. Bullet in my shoulder. Bruises. _

_And you?_

**John pushed us both into the pool as soon as I pulled the trigger. I suffered a concussion after the force of the explosion forced us down. **

**Plus my lungs were a bit waterlogged. **

_Lucky you. I was still behind him. _

**I'm sorry. Are you still in the hospital? I'll tell Mycroft to make sure you're taken care of.**

_Yes. You should come visit. _

**I shall after John is better attended to. **

**You could have told what he had planned for him beforehand.**

_I didn't know until too late, Sherlock. I didn't know he would choose him._

**It's not that fact that he was chosen. I knew I'd be able to save him. It's the fact that he was beaten everywhere the parka would cover and beyond before he was shoved out there.**

_Wait. What?_

_I swear, Sherlock, I didn't know…_

**Five broken ribs. Extensive bruising. Additional mental scarring, I'm sure.**

_Oh god. Sherlock. I'm so sorry. Oh god._

**It isn't your fault.**

_I was the one who reported back._

_I should've died at the pool._

**No you shouldn't have. I'm glad you didn't.**

_Thank you, I suppose. _

_I should've been dead. _

**What makes you think that? Your death would have accomplished nothing. **

_I feel so guilty._

You were doing your job. If you hadn't reported back you would have died at any rate.

_I couldn't. I would've killed myself if I'd lost my family or you or god, anyone I knew. _

**But it didn't happen. **

**I'm just glad that he's still here. I don't know what I would have done. **

_I'm happy we all survived. _

**I would be, but your employer managed to slip out. Hopefully he got hit with some of the shrapnel.**

_I desperately hope so._

_I haven't heard from him._

**That can't last for too long.**

_I know._

**What are you going to do when it ends?**

_I'll be trapped in his service again._

**I never thought I'd say this, but if you would just go to Mycroft…**

**_-thankgodthelastone-_  
><strong>

_So, the prince is putting you up to finding my photo, then?_

**Yes, as a matter of fact. I assume you're not going to make it easy for me?**

_Oh darling. It's another chance to best you. Of course I won't make it easy. _

**I don't expect anything less. **

_Ha ha. Trust me. You won't be able to find it, Mr. Holmes._

**I take that as a challenge.**

_Then bring it darling Sherlock. _

_And may the best person win. _

**Trust me, they shall. **

_Oh, I will._

_**-o-o-o-o-o-o-**_

_**We have no lives. xD**_


End file.
